TELL ME ABOUT THE PROCEDURE FOR A BRAZILIAN...
Pretty simple: we apply a soft wax, followed with muslin fabric and we yank. Repeat 'til all the hair is removed and you're ready to show off our work.
WHAT?!?! DID YOU JUST SAY YOU WAX TESTICLES? LIKE, MALE TESTICLES???
Is there any other kind? Yes, we offer manzilians which is the removal of hair from your penis, testicles, bum cheeks and crack.
THAT SOUNDS AWFUL! HOW MUCH DOES IT HURT?
Not bad, actually. Only vaguely soul-crushing.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
As serious as a sucking chest wound.
DO YOU OFFER ANESTHESIA?
For seventeen years, clients have begged us for ways to mitigate the pain. After we stopped laughing in their faces, we now have a Numbing Cream so effective, it'll dull the pain left in your heart from the attention you never received in your childhood.
I'M A DUDE. A REAL DUDE. I EAT LUMBER FOR BREAKFAST, LIGHT MY CIGARS WITH THUNDER AND ONCE PUNCHED A GRIZZLY BEAR UNCONSCIOUS; I DOUBT REMOVING HAIR WILL HURT ME... BUT MY CHEST HAIR HAS ROOTS THE SIZE OF TURNIPS AND IS THICKER THAN MOST MEN, WHAT IF I DECIDE TO STOP THE SESSION EARLY?
When you make an appointment with us, you are committing to the pain. If you stop because the pain is too intense, you are still financially responsible for the entire appointment whether or not we complete the service because we had to allot the proper amount of time-based on your request.
And seriously, you're a dude who can't handle pain? Too much for you to take? If you really have trepidations about pain, you should not seek the assistance of a waxer. You should find someone more kind and soft, understanding with a delicate touch. Like the Easter Bunny. Maybe you can get her to wax your vagina too. Oh snap!
BUT I READ YOUR REVIEWS ON YELP AND THEY SAID YOU DON'T HURT!
Yes yes, further reviews say the moon orbits around us, we have no need for potholders and we can split an atom with a joke. But truth is, we are only human and although our talents are many, we cannot make waxing not painful just as we are unable to unscramble scrambled eggs.
I'M A DUDE. THE THOUGHT OF GETTING NAKED IN FRONT OF A GIRL I DON'T KNOW FREAKS ME OUT AND I'M AFRAID I WILL INVOLUNTARILY GET EXCITED. WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
It's a natural reaction. That said, after we rip off the first strip, there's no way your "excitement" will last. Still, we strongly urge you not to be a freak and do anything to prolong your excitement. Should you not heed our warning, we will TEAR. YOU. APART. This is a professional service with the sole purpose of removing hair. If you are here for any other reason, we will not only remove your hair, we shall remove skin, limbs, and any pride or self-respect you pretend to have. Tool.
HOLY CRAP! I GET IT! I PROMISE TO BEHAVE!!! BUT TELL ME THIS, IF IT HURTS, WHY THE HELL WOULD PEOPLE GET WAXED?
Because (1) they're bored (2) we are no longer in the 70s and like VCRs and Atari, the pursuit of being hirsute ain't making a comeback. Plus it's low in calories and gluten free!
OKAY FINE. HOW LONG DOES THE HAIR NEED TO BE IN ORDER TO BE WAXED? I JUST SHAVED A WEEK AGO.
Hair must be AT LEAST half inch long for effective removal which means no waxing or shaving for the past four weeks. If you've shaved within four weeks, we guarantee you will experience all of the waxing pain, pay full price and still be left with a ton of stragglers. If money isn't important to you and you want to make it rain, feel free to ignore our warning and schedule an appointment. But if you later email us and rant that you didn't get a clean wax even though you knew we had asked for 4 weeks of growth and you only had 3, we will unleash verbal shock and awe on you because Dummy, seriously, if you can't read, how'd you get your GED?
WHAT SHOULD I DO RIGHT AFTER MY WAXING?
(1) Pay us (2) To prevent ingrowns, get ya hands on THE EXFOLIATOR 2000 - a textured bath towel so heroic, you'd swear it, too, was forged in the heart of a dying star. This cape-less vigilante purges your skin of dead cells which trap new growth, causing cysts and pimples. Gently scrub your waxed region (skip labia, penis, testicles or anything on your face) everyday. Commit 15 seconds to be disciplined, be brave. You might wince during the scrub but like a bad decision that turns into a damn good time, THE EXFOLIATOR 2000 hurts you just enough. Comes in two strengths: Destruction and Mass Destruction.
Afterwards, apply a specific Anti-Ingrown remedy which, lucky you, we have available here. Jane and Pai sourced with fury for something that actually worked and after 18 months, they high-fived each other upon discovering a roll-on bacchanal of acids called Smooth Operator. Just rub this bottled sorcery 2x per week after you shower until you build a tolerance and level up to 3-4x weekly. What? Use it 5 days? Damn GORLLLLL, you keep it tight!!!
All products are available in our online shop.
WHAT SHOULD I NOT DO IMMEDIATELY AFTER WAXING?
Anything that will cause you to sweat or get dirt or oil in your pores for 24 hours (i.e. sexing, working on your fitness, hot tubbing, taking a 2000 mile donkey ride, etc.). Unless you like boils and think acne rashes are hot — then who are we to judge?? Stand tall, Renegade Man!
I HEARD YOU DON'T TAKE TIPS. WHY?
Because fair is fair and what we quote you should be all that you are responsible for. And we believe tipping destroys our good luck mojo and we're all about karma because people, really, at the end of the day, we do it for the children.
I LOOKED AT YOUR PRICE LIST AND NOTICED IT DOESN'T INCLUDE FULL LEGS, ARMS OR BROWS. WHY?
We suck at waxing brows and after years of waxing, each of us has developed a repetitive stress injury in the right shoulder that prevents us from waxing arms or legs as the curvature of those body parts exacerbates the injury.
And sorry Bruh but we shall not compromise our health for you, just this one time. We realize you will now have to roll up your JCrew sleeve and go elsewhere. Woe is us, oh, woe is us.
I'M ALMOST CONVINCED. DO YOU HAVE TESTIMONIALS FROM PAST CLIENTS?
Why yes we do! We have testimonials! Get that? We're so cool, we come with testimonials! That's the metage of our awesomeness!
"THANKS FOR NOT RAPING MY BALLS WITH CONCRETE LIKE MY PREVIOUS WAXER" (D.H. AGE 37)
"HOLY SHIT YOU'RE FAST!" (E.N. AGE 25)
"JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, THE WIFE LOVED IT. SO I GUESS I'M NOW A REGULAR. DAMN YOU" (J.S. AGE 58)
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW." (K.S. AGE 23)
"YOU HAVE SPINACH IN YOUR TEETH." (C.V. AGE 44) (ACTUALLY, IT WAS KALE)
"THE SESSION WAS TOO FAST. CAN YOU PULL SLOWER TO PROLONG THE PAIN?" (NO ONE EVER)
OKAY, THOSE TESTIMONIALS SOUND LEGIT. HOW DO I MAKE AN APPOINTMENT?
99.999999% of appointments can be made directly online by clicking this nifty little link right here:
But let's say you scored yourself a last-minute date and you're ill-prepared to have the most standard, mediocre sex of your life. You see nothing available on the calendar today. What to do? What to do?
Text us at 408 805 4929. God may have decided it's time you be cursed with child so she created a cancellation or two that might not be readily available online. It's rare that we have same-day availabilities but it doesn't hurt to ask. Will you be the lucky person? Don't stop, get it, get it!