The Exfoliator 2000: Psychological Warfare

THE EXFOLIATOR 2000 is a textured bath towel so heroic, you'd swear it, too, was forged in the heart of a dying star.  This cape-less vigilante obliterates dead skin cells, clogged pores, back-ne and keratosis pilaris. According to legend, its vicious nylon/polyester blend increases blood flow and nails three pointers making it powerful in life yet unstoppable in death. Not for the weak and infirm, commit 15 seconds to gently buff the temple that is your body (skip labia, penis, testicles or the gossamer skin on your delightful face) on the daily. Be disciplined, be brave. You might wince during its single minded determination to purge yer filth but like a bad decision that turns into a damn good time, THE EXFOLIATOR 2000 will hurt you just enough.

LEVEL OF ABRASIVENESS: NUCLEAR